To my sixteen year old self:
i’m not quite sure how to talk to you
every fiber of my being
is riddled with the regret
years i spent agonizing you
how you tried to get your needs met
i plead with shooting stars
wishing for you
to not resent me
but you couldn’t be blamed
if that’s how you feel
i know what i put you through
was crippling,
traumatizing
either way
there's not much that will
make that pain go away
and although i know
it’s much too late
there’s some truths i’ve been dying to say
you are the most beautiful soul
loveliest thing i’ve ever witnessed
staring back at me with your puffy eyes
in your goodwill too big t-shirts
that you wore to hide
the possibility of your prettiness
it was a threat
so you lived in disguise
and i know you were so tired of trying
ridiculed for having fame
the youngest one in your grade
to be groomed and manipulated
congratulations, they’d say
even though you were the one underage
an orchestra of accusations
were hurled your way
then i became
the reteller of your every
honest mistake
i’m so sorry to the girl
who i never taught
to differentiate between
what was real, and what was fake
and i’ve been meaning to tell you
i’m so damn impressed
by the way you carry yourself
your resiliency was a necessity
but it’s still something i admire
words dim in comparison
to what i’m trying to convey
absolute adoration
and awe
for the girl
who did the play
and facilitated the proms
you poured out
of your almost broken,
still beating
loyal and loving and selfless chest
a heart that puts galaxies to shame
and although you never relished in the spotlight
you knew people were drawn
to the art
that is you
something no one
could ever
take away
and i really need to confess
if i could go back in time
i’d do it all over again
so i could make it all right
i wouldn’t have made you defend yourself
against the religious army
persecuting you for sending nudes
you never took
i would’ve spray painted the whole town with
“truth will win”
i wish knew that back then
if i could go back in time
i’d put on an animation
instead of insisting we jump through
windows
and hoops
and false appraisal
i would’ve asked you to think twice
before getting behind the wheel
that drunken, impulsive night
perhaps i would’ve held your hand
as you started again
after christmas break
walking into a sea of piranhas
making instagrams that are fake
but real in their devastation
i would’ve never taught you
that your worth is wrapped up
in your ability to go past second base
i guess what i’m trying to articulate
my greatest wish is
in another universe,
they wouldn’t call your suffering fate
but i’d still be here
brushing your hair
offering you soft smiles
as you rub your eyes
“it’s been a long day”
and i resist the urge to
rob you of the lessons
that come from this
moment in time
i know that in order to be me
you have to be sixteen
maybe it’s time i let you off the hook
it wasn’t your fault
for the ways in which your earth shook
i know you tried to play
a losers game
you did whatever you could
and over the years i’ve dismantled it all
faith forsook
identity overlooked
all for the girl
dressed up in uniforms and
beaming with dreams
i’d do it all again
to see you
dancing in the car
i smile as you look over at me
i’m forever your passenger rider
i watch you drive
small compared to that van
you don’t know where you’re off to yet
and i don’t spoil the news
of where we’re headed
you pack up wisdom,
i point out the rainbows
you bring along a few friends
who are safe for the ride
even after all these years,
seeing them still makes me smile
you carry forgiveness,
and i remind you that you’re bold
you don’t forget to bring along
your extra large t-shirts
or your great big love for people
you release all your trespassers,
allowing them to be left in the rear view
your grace worth its weight in gold
and you don’t hear it
but still i ask
at twenty-five, i realize
it’s something that would be lovely
but you’re not required to do
but perhaps
you could find it in
your big
and bold
and beautiful soul
to maybe
just maybe,
forgive me too
